Phillip is quiet for a long, long moment, still holding on to Gustavain's hand and still leaning into it. It is not quite that he has never thought of it in that manner, he has certainly wondered why Gustavain did not tell the Scions, why he keeps coming back even when he has every excuse to not. He has known that there has been trust between them, but had not known if that extended to anything more. He realizes, with hindsight, that without love the trust may not have been possible at all.
"I do not intend to be," he says, his eyes slightly averted from Gustavain's not in shame or avoidance but in thought, clearly trying to find the words as he speaks, "I suppose I may well not know how to be otherwise. Especially since I was so often sure you'd come to your senses and write me off sooner or later."
That is a tease, but also not, in the way these things so often are with Phillip. He tried not to feel anything because to do so was an invitation to get his heart broken, and he has never forgotten what Gustavain said to him that first night, that to be with him was at minimum a betrayal of everyone who fought for and with him. Even now, he struggles with how to put it into clear words and not just subtle, easy to obscure actions. "I was going to tell them myself, soon," he says, and perhaps that is a bit out of nowhere but he is trying, so much, "Though I'd prefer that be a conversation I only have once and I feel like Y'shtola would be very cross if it was something she had to find out second-hand."
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2021-06-01 02:48 pm (UTC)"I do not intend to be," he says, his eyes slightly averted from Gustavain's not in shame or avoidance but in thought, clearly trying to find the words as he speaks, "I suppose I may well not know how to be otherwise. Especially since I was so often sure you'd come to your senses and write me off sooner or later."
That is a tease, but also not, in the way these things so often are with Phillip. He tried not to feel anything because to do so was an invitation to get his heart broken, and he has never forgotten what Gustavain said to him that first night, that to be with him was at minimum a betrayal of everyone who fought for and with him. Even now, he struggles with how to put it into clear words and not just subtle, easy to obscure actions. "I was going to tell them myself, soon," he says, and perhaps that is a bit out of nowhere but he is trying, so much, "Though I'd prefer that be a conversation I only have once and I feel like Y'shtola would be very cross if it was something she had to find out second-hand."